The Tidewater Project – The GOP’s Top Secret Strategy To Save 2006…Maybe

For most of the year, Easton, Maryland is little more than another quaint little colonial town on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. It’s location, adjacent to busy U.S. Route 50 and halfway between the Baltimore-Washington Metro area and the Atlantic beach resorts has made it a familiar rest stop for generations of summer travelers.

Surrounded by miles of open farmland, it’s rural isolation, just over an hour from the D.C. beltway has also made Easton a popular out-of-the-way rendezvous for D.C.’s powerful elite. During the height of the Cold War, the CIA actually used some out-of-way farmhouses near Easton as safe houses for defecting Communists.

One weekend each year, the town officially rolls out the red carpet and doubles in size for it’s annual Waterfowl Festival. The event, begun in 1970 to lure wealthy shotgun bearing goose hunters away from other popular shore towns like Chestertown, has morphed into an artsy-fartsy orgy of aging uppiedom.

The pick-up trucks and SUV’s have been pushed out by a phalanx of BMW’s, Lexus and the occasional Mini Cooper. The genuine hunters are hard to find among the throngs of never-held-or-fired-a-gun who eagerly pay $1000 for a beat-up and faded hand-carved wooden rendition of a duck.

This year, Easton celebrated its annual carnival of all that’s “duckey” or “goosey” last weekend. The weather was unseasonably warm and the crowds flooded Easton’s six square downtown blocks in shorts and light-weight tops.

If one were patient and watched closely, they could spot the occasional Senator or Congressperson, perhaps sharing an crab cake sandwich with a recognizable talking head from the Washington-Baltimore or even national network news media.

If one was very observant, and familiar with the junior puppet masters who hide in the long shadows of those who endure the spotlight of the current administration; a few very familiar faces could have been observed.

An unmistakable pair, one of whom you can bet your life has Carl Rove’s private number on the speed dial of her cellular, was seen eating oversized hamburgers at Ruby Tuesday’s. Meanwhile, at downtown’s landmark Tidewater Inn, a party of five with enough clout to not only get a table without a reservation, but one in the “private” dining area, munched oyster fritter sandwiches and kept their conversations at a low whisper.

While the vast majority of Festivalgoers tried to impress their peers with a bogus knowledge of which Maryland Waterfowl Hunter’s Stamp is the most valuable, these “other folks” were cloistered in an old Victorian bed and breakfast reserved exclusively for them.
The objects of their attention were not avian but rather huge three-inch binders packed with fresh exit poll data from the off-year elections just completed. The topics of discussion were not the virtues of a Remington 12 gauge verses a Browning, but instead how to keep their master from resembling a flock of pathetically wounded ducks in twelve short months.

The conclave of GOP strategist held concurrent with this year’s Easton Waterfowl Festival was no accident. Most of these players were in town the weekend after Labor Day to hammer out an operational plan to try and develop a saving strategy as the President and the Party’s popularity went into a fatal flat-spin.

The Tidewater Project, when first conceptualized in late August, was meant to overcome the administration’s Katrina disaster response, soaring energy prices and of course: Iraq. But the static hadn't even faded from those initial Xerox copies when the team was hit with the new challenges of (Tom) Delaygate, Fristgate, Miersgate, Torturegate and Scootergate.

When the numbers came in from the New Jersey and Virginia gubernatorial races, the panic was so severe that an emergency meeting was called and the vested parties were summonsed back to Easton to rework Tidewater from top to bottom.

The basic new outline goes something like this:

(1) Until Carl can rehab George W’s image and get the pop rating above 45%, only those GOP candidates running against long-dead liberal opponents in the reddest of Red States will acknowledge there is a Republican resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

(2) For his part, the Big Guy, scheduled to exit stage west for an economic visit to the orient, should take some wild potshots at the opposition as unpatriotic slobs for criticizing his noble war on terror, then drop off the face of the earth. He should return from his overseas foray directly to Camp Crawford and stay there as long as possible, preferably the entire holiday season, while Senators and Congress flock homeward to begin their 2006 stumping. Meanwhile, old Doc Cheney will stay in DC and fire away at any critic as a treasonous scoundrel, far worse than some poor guy who doesn’t tell the truth to the FBI.

(3) Meanwhile the GOP Senate will act-tough while carrying a toothpick and enact a meaningless piece of legislative drivel calling for “more regular meetings with Administration officials concerning our progress in the Iraq War.”

(4) Any GOP candidate living in the contiguous lower 48 must arrange at least one photo-op handing out frozen turkeys or cheap Christmas stockings to Katrina survivors. (Note: They will be easy to find, clumped together in small groups (the people not the turkeys) outside the motels they were staying in until FEMA evicts them on December 1).

(5) When speaking about Iraq, talk about supporting the troops avoid saying you support the President.

(6) Have your staff examine your record and find at least ten times you voted against the White House on non-substantive issues as a way of stressing your independence without alienating your base.

(7) Unless your district is a solid 50% evangelical Christian, avoid direct contact (i.e. speeches and photo-ops) with Fundamentalist leaders and for God’s sake, don’t accept an invitation from Pat Robertson to join him on the 700 Club to discuss anything.

(8) When asked about record oil company profits in the third quarter point out how fast prices have fallen now that hurricane season is over. (Officially not until December 1…the same day it’s ok for Katrina victims to live on the street again)

(9) Work with your State party to avoid costly and potentially damaging primary contests. You’ll need the money in the fall.

(10) Spin blame into shame. Your opponent can be easily put on the defensive by framing their platform as “shameful” and “unpatriotic” if they criticize Iraq, the Supreme Court nominations, or even the performance of the President.

(11) Avoid a (Doug) Forrester Folly (unsuccessful GOP New Jersey gubernatorial candidate). DO NOT let your opponent draw you out and define your position as solidly anti-abortion, anti stem cell.

(12) Talk about Ronald Reagan.

As Sunday night settled in and the last of the Waterfowl crowd headed towards the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, the GOP spin masters carefully packed their polls and wearily headed back to D.C.
My source tells me the next official Tidewater Project meeting is scheduled for the first week of March. Two media pros from the RNC are planning to join them and present some sample TV ads.

One of the last one’s to leave the bed and breakfast conclave was heard to remark woefully, “Easton’s a great little town but I really hope we don’t have to come back here in the dead of winter.”